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going to squam {learning to inhabit my life}

September 12, 2012

{I LOVE U}

truth:  i have been drafting the cancellation letter in my head for days now.

truth:  i have a list five thousand miles long why i can’t/shouldn’t/don’t really deserve to go to Squam after all (and, really,  what was i possibly thinking?)

truth: alongside this list i have been dreaming about pine trees, deciding what supplies to bring, what gifts to make, making note of the weather and forecast, and packing in my head.

truth:  i am in a place where i am not at my best, a bit under the weather (was in the ER the other night for what turns out is probably a very long-lasting and intense migraine) and have been feeling a bit emotionally run down and fragile.

truth: i’m terrified i will go and i will feel out of place, ridiculously awkward, inadequate, alone, and it will just completely shatter me.

truth:  i’m terrified it will be a beautiful gift, the time of my life, crack me wide open, and be the jolt i need right now to bring me back to the center of myself.


how apropos that i ran across michelle’s post yesterday, mirroring my exact feelings as i quietly waded around this virtual world.  how can it be that i have been dreaming of attending this event for 5 years and on the cusp of diving in i am feeling so afraid?  i have many friends going, a whole tribe there in fact, so it’s not like i’ll (really) be alone, not to mention the unbelievable serendipity and grace of this beautiful soul, my roommate and co-inspirer extraordinaire, as well as the ever-kind Squam Fairies who held space for me with such hope and tenderness through a very tough season of unknowns and my dad fighting for his life.

i have watched the last four retreats unfold replete with all the stories and chatter, gorgeous images and life-changing revelations, so awe-inspired and with such great longing wondering if i might ever get my turn… and here it is, a gift given to me by my whole family for my 40th birthday last winter.  who knew that wanting it was only the first step?  the wishing is always the easiest part.

now that the wish has manifested itself, going to Squam i realize is one of those big dreams that requires something more of me.

i have to show up.

not just pack my suitcase and get in my car and drive there, i have to inhabit my being in a way that truthfully is not always all that easy.  i have to conquer fear and insecurity. i have to let go of expectations. i have to open up to possibility. i have to embrace imperfection.  i have to be kind to myself. i have to meet myself in truth exactly where i am, and right in this moment that happens to be in a bit of a rough spot.

but this is the work of our lives, no?  to exist in this open-armed space where we are ripe for whatever awaits, where dreams come true, where lightening strikes, where old stories get re-written, where hurts get healed, where we find an important piece of the puzzle, where we might find the end of one rainbow and the beginning of the next.

am i terrified?  absolutely.

am i more afraid that i would regret for the rest of my life, not unwrapping this gift that sits squarely in front of me? most definitely.

so off i go… into the wild unknown, to sit by the lake and commune with my Life.

gratitude and blessings abound.

 

7 Responses to “going to squam {learning to inhabit my life}”

  1. Jennifer says:

    I sit here tying up loose ends before I head out to give you the biggest hug at squam. I am inspired by your bravery and your courage. I understand and feel some of the very same nerves that you do. We are in this together roomie. I am here for you. Sending you lots of love on your travels. Know that you deserve this moment. xo

  2. bonitarose says:

    so happy for you. You will come back changed and shining even brighter. xo love to you Mindy. xo

  3. Corinne says:

    I am so happy for your upcoming trip :) the hardest part will be getting there… But once you are there enjoy it! The kids and I went up to the squam nature center just least week, and it is so beautiful and peaceful up there. I hope this trip rejuvenates your soul and body! (and when you get back we need to set in stone a coffee/tea date…)

  4. lisa parks says:

    your honesty is inspiring.

    you are in good hands with jennifer.

    it’s the courage to go that everyone shares; the common thread that weaves you in close and warm with your kindreds.

    what a lovely lovely family you have.

    have the time of your life!

  5. Two says:

    I wholeheartedly understand this! Wishes need action to come true…just remember the hardest step is the first step (after wishing)…show up and the universe will help you with the rest! and you’re in good hands in that forest. I’m so excited you’re going to Squam! I keep dreaming of squam and all the squammie-ness and it’s inhabitants…I’ve been wishing a long time too (since the day it started really…) and my wish next year is to stop wishing and make it happen. Hope to see you then and can’t wait to hear about your adventure!! You’ve got this! xo Two

  6. elizabeth says:

    dearest Mindy of the sparkling soul and shimmering brown eyes, I am so grateful to you. this gathering was created for you. this gathering is about everything you wrote above– a place to follow our heart while our mind (our fearful, screechy mind) screams “NOOooooo”

    you followed your heart. I trust you felt welcomed and safe in the fold and your soul expanded deeply into a place of beauty and light where you saw all YOUR beauty and light reflected back to you from the spirits all around you who love you so much, me, most especially.

    bisous, e

  7. Maura says:

    I am so happy you did go and I was lucky enough to meet you!

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