September 12, 2012
truth: i have been drafting the cancellation letter in my head for days now.
truth: i have a list five thousand miles long why i can’t/shouldn’t/don’t really deserve to go to Squam after all (and, really, what was i possibly thinking?)
truth: alongside this list i have been dreaming about pine trees, deciding what supplies to bring, what gifts to make, making note of the weather and forecast, and packing in my head.
truth: i am in a place where i am not at my best, a bit under the weather (was in the ER the other night for what turns out is probably a very long-lasting and intense migraine) and have been feeling a bit emotionally run down and fragile.
truth: i’m terrified i will go and i will feel out of place, ridiculously awkward, inadequate, alone, and it will just completely shatter me.
truth: i’m terrified it will be a beautiful gift, the time of my life, crack me wide open, and be the jolt i need right now to bring me back to the center of myself.
how apropos that i ran across michelle’s post yesterday, mirroring my exact feelings as i quietly waded around this virtual world. how can it be that i have been dreaming of attending this event for 5 years and on the cusp of diving in i am feeling so afraid? i have many friends going, a whole tribe there in fact, so it’s not like i’ll (really) be alone, not to mention the unbelievable serendipity and grace of this beautiful soul, my roommate and co-inspirer extraordinaire, as well as the ever-kind Squam Fairies who held space for me with such hope and tenderness through a very tough season of unknowns and my dad fighting for his life.
i have watched the last four retreats unfold replete with all the stories and chatter, gorgeous images and life-changing revelations, so awe-inspired and with such great longing wondering if i might ever get my turn… and here it is, a gift given to me by my whole family for my 40th birthday last winter. who knew that wanting it was only the first step? the wishing is always the easiest part.
now that the wish has manifested itself, going to Squam i realize is one of those big dreams that requires something more of me.
i have to show up.
not just pack my suitcase and get in my car and drive there, i have to inhabit my being in a way that truthfully is not always all that easy. i have to conquer fear and insecurity. i have to let go of expectations. i have to open up to possibility. i have to embrace imperfection. i have to be kind to myself. i have to meet myself in truth exactly where i am, and right in this moment that happens to be in a bit of a rough spot.
but this is the work of our lives, no? to exist in this open-armed space where we are ripe for whatever awaits, where dreams come true, where lightening strikes, where old stories get re-written, where hurts get healed, where we find an important piece of the puzzle, where we might find the end of one rainbow and the beginning of the next.
am i terrified? absolutely.
am i more afraid that i would regret for the rest of my life, not unwrapping this gift that sits squarely in front of me? most definitely.
so off i go… into the wild unknown, to sit by the lake and commune with my Life.
gratitude and blessings abound.