by kate swoboda

We could put this in the “What I Think I Know For Sure” file: Life will present you with lots of opportunities to tell the world who you want to be.

It was an average Wednesday. I fired up the computer in the morning, checked email, my personal Facebook page, and then my Facebook fan page–where I discovered that someone had reported every single individual link I’d posted to the fan page as “abusive.” Thus, anyone clicking on the link would see a message that the link had been reported as abusive, and that was that. Why someone would do this when not a single link I’d provided violates Facebook terms of use (that is, unless they’ve now established a moratorium on writing about love, connection, acceptance, and the like!) was beyond me. Why Facebook shut down the links without sending so much as an email message to me to say something is also beyond me.

I sighed. Annoying. I started searching through the links to contact Facebook and report that I’d been reported. A half-hour later I finally managed to find a way to contact them, and having done that? I commenced with “The Script.”

The Script. We all have one. It’s the thoughts that come to us, usually in the same order, right after we feel we’ve been wronged, gotten a bum deal, or had our asses handed to us. The Script will vary from person to person, but fundamentally it’s Victim Radio: All Victim, All The Time.

Any of the following could be part of your Script when things don’t go well: Why did that happen to me? Why do these things always happen? Can’t anything go right? People are assholes. I’m sick of this. What’s wrong with people? _________ is stupid. _______ can’t be counted on. I can’t believe this. It’s not fair. I’m going to tell ______ what a jerk they are. I’m not speaking to ______ anymore.

The Script usually runs on auto-pilot until we start getting savvy to its game. Getting conscious about your Script is Tool #1. Otherwise, it can run for hours. Days. Weeks. Months. Lifetimes.

I was pretty aware that my Script was running because–for instance–I was thinking things like, “Man, I’m just not going to use Facebook anymore.” Laughable! As if my boycott of Facebook would make this any better! I was also in “People are assholes,” mode, angry that someone had decided to be passive-aggressive, as opposed to just writing me and sharing their thoughts.

Tool #2: After you’ve noticed The Script, notice the predominant emotion. For me, anger was coming up more than anything. And if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that underneath anger there is, 99% of the time, some sadness. So even though it felt vulnerable, I dug a bit deeper. I found the part of me that was thinking, “Why did that happen to me?” The part of me that felt hurt, and tender, and a little picked on. The part of me that yearns to be connected to all people in some way, and that was feeling disconnected in this moment–the part of me that was a little hurt, and sad.

But I didn’t want to stay there forever, either. I decided that I’d get out of the house for a bit to do my most-est favorite-est thing: grab a small soy chai latte (no foam).

Then I pulled out Tool #3: Move. In the car, I listened to Corinne Bailey Rae’s song, “Put your Records On” followed by Cold Cave’s “Life Magazine” and KT Tungstall’s “Suddenly I See.” My butt bopped in the seat a bit as I drove.

This lightened the mood enough for a little whisper to come in, a soft voice that asked: “Kate, who do you want to be in this situation?”

And there it was. I contemplated. I didn’t want to give my power away to this situation. I didn’t want to spend the day mucking around in it. I wanted to trust that it’d all work out. I remembered what two of my personal heroes, Rich and Yvonne Dutra-St.John of Challenge Day (www.challengeday.org) say about criticism: it’s often a sign that in some way, you’re making yourself seen, and that’s the mark of a leader. Visibility.

Tool #4: Ask, “Who do I want to be?”

Then, of course, there was my tattoo. A few months before, I’d taken a deep breath and had “love + acceptance” tattooed on my arm, in a highly visible spot. I’d done that because that’s who I want to be in all moments. It’s my highest vision. I don’t want to forget it, even in my most frustrating moments.

So who do I want to be in this situation? I want to be love and acceptance. As I said before, life will present all of us with lots of opportunities to show the world who we want to be. I’ll consider this to be one of mine.

Right then, life felt too short to care about Facebook fan pages. The music sounded good. I had a chai latte in my hand, a home to return to, a loving partner who I knew would give me a hug, Poppy the wonderkitty sleeping on a chair in my office, a day before me of doing work that I love, an interview scheduled with someone who really inspires me.

And that didn’t sound half-bad.

So that’s what I’m declaring myself to be, today. How about you?