wishmamas :: i was supposed to be a rock star (and a special giveaway!)
May 15, 2010
By kim mcmechan
I was supposed to be a rock star.
At least that was the plan, anyway.
But then that pale blue line appeared on the drugstore pregnancy test.
To say I felt thrown is an understatement. I called my friends and family in tears. I tried to use the word “surprise” and not “mistake”.
But the truth was? It felt like a mistake.
I spent my whole pregnancy depressed. All rock star plans came to a grinding halt as I threw up into ice cream buckets, slept 14 hours a day, peed into little cups at the midwifery clinic, and wore horrible floral-print maternity shirts (it was 2001—it was either floral or polka dots that year.)
I’ve heard it said that pain has the capacity to shove us over the edge into waking up.
So maybe it was the pain that eventually pushed me over. But I did. I woke up.
It was late spring. The baby was due any day. I was sitting on my couch reading. I don’t even remember what book it was now. It didn’t matter. A line popped out at me from the page and my whole world opened. The line was: Interruptions often come to us as interventions.
I had never considered this before. I was 27. I had been so good at moving through life until that point. I had managed to maintain control, mostly. I was successful in my creative work and I had recently married the love of my life. It was not an understatement to say that I had felt, up until this recent interruption, that I was being divinely led.
It occurred to me then (duh!) that maybe this was not a mistake after all. Maybe my whole life had not, in fact, gone off the rails. Rather, it was just a little unexpected curve in the road.
My daughter was born on a sunny day between two Winnipeg snowstorms. I was not prepared for the avalanche of love that would crash over me following her birth. Her hands looked crinkled, like a poppy right after it opens. Her eyes were a bluey-charcoal and shiny, like pewter. Clearly, this was the farthest thing from a mistake there could ever be.
I realized that perhaps I had simply made a slight error: I’d bought into the tribal lie that my life had to have a straight, tidy storyline. I was a songwriter? I had to have a clear-cut place in the music industry. I was a performer? I had to work until near burn-out to plan tours and sell records.
Maybe, I thought, my life could be lived more intuitively, more moment-to-moment. Maybe it could be more layered, more deep and wide as opposed to linear.
I think it was Joseph Campbell that said: “We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.”
Having a child taught me this.
Once in awhile, I still stumble into the gutter of regret. My creative work is not unfolding quite as quickly as I would like it to. Having children (a second daughter born three years later) has made the path a little more crooked than I would have otherwise chosen. And the other day, while I sketched out an idea for a chorus at the piano, Ella, my three-year-old, ate nearly two-thirds of a block of cheese under the kitchen table.
But this lesson, that interruptions can be seen as interventions, has become a spiritual practice for me, one that I return to again and again, one that continually teaches me to let go and to trust in something bigger than me to carry the momentum of my life in the same way my babies grew eyes and earlobes and fingers inside me without my having to do a thing.
*****
you can win a signed copy of kim’s beautiful and soulful cd little gray house (go have a listen!)… please leave a comment on this post and share with us one thing that you have had to let go of in becoming a mother. one random winner will be chosen and announced in the wishstudiuo cafe (check the giveaway winners discussion thread) on wednesday, may 19th.
What have I let go of, in the wake of my motherhood? My small self. White upholstery. Wearing earrings.
A beautiful post. Winnipeg, eh? That makes the world a little smaller.
oh lovely post, I never tire of hearing stories of how women grow into their motherhood.
I would love to win this CD…. so I have let go of long dates with my husband knowing no one would rather me be home with them. Now when we are on dates we not only talk about the kids and call to see if they are OK, we feel them willing us back!
crooked paths lead to the most interesting of journeys…what a beautiful and honest account of yours. what lovely music you create, kim. warmly, s
This post will find a resonance with a lot of readers I think. I too had an unexpected surprise and started life with him as a single mother…right on the cusp of beginning what I thought was my life’s work as a lawyer. Turns out the fork in the road suited me better in hindsight, but what did I let go off….the expectation of sticking to my plan at all costs, and accepting flexibility into our lives. The reality is that everything changed, but I had always had a plan since I was six and I executed it mostly as planned…up until I became his mother.
thank you for sharing your sweet story. i think this is why it takes 9 months to have a baby. i felt the same way- that i had to give up my career in a way that i didn’t expect with a baby on the way. i had to let go of the plan too! happy late mama’s day! xo
Wow, thanks for the story and the CD! I decided to have children early in my life, and to stay home with them, and to homeschool… so I gave up a career, a second income for our family, and all of the things that could have come along with that money. It’s been worth it!
The only thing I can think of that I had to give up was sleeping through the night. Now I’m a grandma taking care of my grandson during the day and I get to sleep all night! I loved the CD, what beautiful music.
I definitely understand where you’re coming from. Now that I’m a mother of 2, I have realized, it’s ok to let some things go for now. That my children (esp the baby) will grow faster than I realize. Then I will have the time to continue my “plan.” I don’t get to craft as much as I’d like but I know that it’s not going away. Creating is part of my soul. But my children will grow and become independent, so I remind myself to savor every moment I can.
Kim-I love this post! I especially love this part: “It occurred to me then (duh!) that maybe this was not a mistake after all. Maybe my whole life had not, in fact, gone off the rails. Rather, it was just a little unexpected curve in the road.”
I have had a moment of clarity like that-a shining moment where I knew, I KNEW, that while my path wasn’t the slightest bit straight, it was RIGHT.
thank you so much for sharing this.
this fills my heart and my eyes
I have had to let go of the fact that all the children I mother will be born out of my uterus and perhaps my heart instead. I have had to let go of the boy that I have loved since I was eleven years old has always chosen alcohol before me. I have chosen to accept that the man I did marry and the father of my children truly loves me better than that boy who captured my heart all those years ago. I have chosen to let go of the fact that I am not insignficant and that I do add value to this planet.
Wow, sweet ladies. Thank you for all your generous, open-hearted responses. I will remember your stories as I continue along my own un-tidy path… :)
Hi Kim,
I SO love your honesty , and your writing is SO beautiful !
Your creativity inspires me !! From your music, to your wirting, and your photography, thanks SO much for that : )
I am not a mother. I guess you could say I had to let go of motherhood because of mistakes made earlier in life.
Sometimes I wonder what kind of mother I “would have” been and if I have missed some amazing experience in my life. I must believe that God knows these things and has a different plan for my life! Bless all of you with children and KNOW this is one of the most important and valueable job in the whole world to shape and mold a beautiful being … BIG HUGS and BLESSINGS !!
Lovely, Kim. So gorgeous & raw & true. And a great reminder as I navigate a path through some recent *interruptions* myself. Thank you!
great post and wonderful music…
my consciousness shifted while giving birth to my second child, i could never return to the “old” me, the pain pushed me through ;)
motherhood is for me both, a way to love unconditionally and a way to constant spiritual awakening…
i needed to let go of many things; from sleepless nights to not having the time to take care of myself, but it was (and still is) all worth it. i always say that my children are my best teachers and i know that it sounds like a cliche, but it is very authentic and truthful statement…
:)
Sylvia
being a mom is full, fun, soulful work… I had to let go (and I’m still working on releasing the grip) of straight forward: I agree whole heartedly, the curves/turns create the joy…